Saturday, September 24, 2005

A much-requested villification of Jude Law

Anonymous points out that we've got it all wrong on
Sienna Miller:

"Ok, so it's alright to b**** about a stick thin actress, or pick apart a singers dress sense, but this is perfectly disgusting!
Even the best of us has given in to the man/ woman we love simply because we love them, and even if it is Jude Law, she's in love with him.

It should be him you're [sic] criticising [sic] for sleepy [sic] with the [profanity deleted] nanny, right under her nose. You are obviously too jealous [Las F note: Whaaaa????] to admit that she had [sic] done the right thing and got [sic] it thrown back in her face. SHAME ON YOU."

Yikes Anonymous! Thanks for writing in, we think. Far be it from us to miss a chance to take down a celebrity, especially a lying cheating egotistical scumbag (haven't we said that somewhere before?) like Jude.

We don't care what he looks like. We don't care how much money he makes. We don't care about his connections. We despise cheaters. They selfishly and habitually hurt women and expect to keep getting away with it. But it takes two to tango, and we're sad to inform you, Anonymous, that Sienna contributed to and encouraged Jude Law's bad, selfish behavior.

Shame on you, Jude Law! It's our never-to-humble opinion that you need rehab. Sex rehab. Pronto.

And shame on you, Sienna, for encouraging his bad behavior in the first place!

And shame on you, Anonymous, for not leaving a name.

The Brand New INXS

Recently we witnessed the culmination of Rockstar: INXS. Their final choice was J.D. Fortune, who actually cried when he was announced as the winner. I don't know how rock that was, but There are a few questions to address here. Firstly, did they make the right choice? What now becomes of Marty Casey? Was anyone else pulling for Mig Ayesa? Let's go to the videotape.

Alright, so in the last episode the final three pictured at left were competing for the crown. The first one of them to get eliminated was Mig, and I think this was a difficult decision, although a necessary one. He was the most animated of the three, and if you're going to front a band, you really need stage presence. I think Marty lacks a great deal of that, and J.D. is somewhere in the middle. Mig also looked great in his weird outfits, and his name is synonymous with a Russian jet. That is completely rock. I think the deal breaker, though, was that Mig walks the fine line between Mick Jagger and David Bowie (the 80s version). That's a risk the band probably doesn't want to take. So instead they went with J.D., who does have a sufficiently rock name, and an edgy voice. He's good-looking, looks good in those ripped t-shirts and jeans, and I think makes a decent replacement for Michael Hutchence.

That is where, I believe, Marty got left behind. Don't get me wrong, Marty is a commendable musician. The song he wrote for the competition, "Trees," was an excellent song (honorable mention for J.D.'s) and he's got a great voice. He also seemed to get a handle on what it means to actually emote a song, and not just scream, and that's a big part of rock, too. So, why not Marty? I think he's just too big to be a frontman. Marty is the kind of guy that I could expect to get a backing band and go solo. The members of INXS apparently agreed, since they offered him an opportunity to open for them on their upcoming tour. But he would not do as well as a frontman because he will command the entire operation, from songwriting to singing to instrumentation. Let it be known, however, that he deserves his own contract, stat.

So, I guess that answers our three questions. Did the group make the right choice? Our answer is yes, but we'll make the final judgement when we see the tour. What will happen to Marty? I'm sure you'll see his solo album on shelves soon enough, and he'll be all the better for coming in second. And Mig? We love you, Mig, but they should have had this competition fifteen years ago, and you would have no doubt been the darling of the competition. And if there's ever a reunion competition of the New York Dolls, Mig should be the first person in line. Congratulations, J.D.

Props for the Best Commentators Ever

We've mentioned how much we love VH1. It delivers to us exactly what we are looking for: celebrities gone wild, jabs at pop culture and laughing until we puke. The show that best encapsulates this idea is what I consider the finest program on the network, Best Week Ever. Even my boyfriend likes this show, and he's incredibly picky. The reason BWE is great is because of a handful of people we barely know that seem to be regulars on the show.

The gold medal winner, in my book, is Paul Scheer. Who is this guy, anyway? You think to yourself - what gives this gap-toothed bald guy the right to criticize anyone? I'll tell you what: he is beyond hysterical. Best Paul quote (on why NYPD Blue got cancelled): "NYPD Blue is just about dead prostitutes. If I wanted to see dead prostitutes, I'd just look in my closet."

Chuck Nice - unheard of and hysterical. I'm starting to see a pattern with these guys. He's also a radio personality on a local station, and I didn't even know it. I like a renaissance man. Best Chuck quote (on Michael Jackson): "He's trying to let everybody know that he's creepy. Not just the children."

This guy doesn't really look like a comedian - more like an accountant. Paul F. Tompkins is another one of those guys, however, that can make you laugh like it's your job. Best P.Tom quote (to the Robert Blake jury): "Mr. Blake is a bulemic! If you convict him, then you might as well send the whole cast of The O.C. to jail."

Sherrod Small is another one of those guys I haven't heard of but will not ever forget. I don't know where he came from, but he will never be out of work as long as he's happy working for VH1. Best Sherrod quote (on Everybody Hates Chris): "It's like the black people's Wonder Years. Remember Wonder Years? Yeah, he's like Fred Savage. But chocolate."

Anonymity Rules

It is our sad duty to inform you that, as of this post, Las Fashionistas will cease to exist. We've read the comment left by that anonymous person, but what they said really made sense to us. I mean, who are we, anyway, to judge celebrities? What qualifications do we possess? Who do we really think we are??? I just hope that whoever this genius is will continue to inform people who write blogs for their own entertainment and other people happen to enjoy it that what their doing is a drain on intellect and encourage them to shut down, as we have elected to do. We wholeheartedly apologize to those of you who have been forced to read this that we invaded your computers, redirected your browsers to our websites and infected you with humor and tips and all that normal-people-are-better talk, and told you you could look at nothing else. We hope you can one day forgive us.

Las F

...was that what you were expecting, Anonymous? Dumb hater.

Here's something I'll never get - if you don't like it, why do you read it? Can you not just, you know, read something else? Such wasted energy...which is why we'll just ignore this (insert your favorite four-letter word here).

However, for those of you who like Las F, you don't ever have to worry about one jealous, callow whiner ruining our fun. You keep visiting, we'll keep writing. Enjoy your weekend!

Going the Way of the Clog

It seems as if the Dutch, in addition to giving us windmills and tulips, have given us clogs as well. Much to our chagrin, the clog is back in a big way, and we're a bit befuddled. What are we to do with this? Wear it? Use it as a planter? The key, as always, is to know what looks best for you, and don't be drawn in by an absolutely hideous shoe just because it's kitchy. Observe:

These are the garden variety of clog, and what I believe to be the opposite end of the fashionable spectrum. Honey, just don't do it. Unless you are actually gardening, in which case it might be appropriate. You might also be able to pull off wearing them on the beach, but that's it. Don't put them on with a cute top and jeans and walk out of the house thinking you won't get stared at. Here's a gauge for you: if you were at the mall peoplewatching (a favorite pasttime of Las F) and you saw someone walk by with those on, what would you do? Exactly. Don't do it. I also don't recommend the furry Ugg version of the clog, for two reasons. First of all, they just look like bedroom slippers. Secondly, if it's cold enough for wool-lined shoes, are you going to want to expose your foot? No. Form must follow function.

Instead, let me introduce you to the nicer versions of clogs that look great and don't make your foot look as chunky as your shoe. Mules like the one at right are sleek and comfortable, and can go nicely with a dressier outfit or dress up jeans and a t-shirt. Some people will say that this is too soccer-mom or too corporate casual to ever look cool, but I disagree. A lot of people enjoy the clog and should not be dissuaded from wearing it. The outfit I had in mind for this one: a knee-length skirt, button-down top and opaque tights which, if you don't own any, should go to the top of your list now that fall is coming. Face it - you can't wear stilettos to everything. This shoe is a great alternative.

Just as a further bit of clarification, let me warn you against wearing the kind of clog pictured at left. It seems to be a contradiction of terms, really. It has laces, but you'll never have the need to use them. It's a feminine, attempting-to-be-dressy shoe, but it has a lug sole. This shoe seems to be having an identity crisis. "Am I hardcore, or am I just a big tedy bear? Who am I?" That's okay, shoe. You figure yourself out, and in the meantime, we'll take your older sister out on a date. So, ladies, that's how to appropriately wear a clog. And men - I mean this as nicely as possible - don't ever, ever put a clog on your foot. Ever. You won't like the consequences. I know they make them for you. Don't do it.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Jessica Alba at the "Into the Blue" premiere

As an ongoing attempt to inform the public of what should or should not be worn out this weekend, I give you the ever-dewy Jessica Alba:

Just look at her. Somewhere, Marcian Crossing is throwing a temper tantrum because all the Botox and microdermabrasion in the world will never bring back the skin she had twenty years ago:

What's up with this dress? It' frumpy. Why is frumpy in? And why is the ever-hot Jessica Alba partaking in frumpy when she so obviously has nothing to hide?

And what's the deal with those shoes? They look like ballet en-pointe shoes.

The makeup is OK. And I want her necklace. But her hair is so...dark. I'd be fine with it if her bangs didn't desperately need a trim, but really...

It just goes to show, ladies, that spending money on a stylist is a waste of good green. Just read Las F instead and save a bundle.

Head Cases Bites the Dust

Cue the sad music - Fox Television has decided that it will cancel it's new show Head Cases after only two episodes. Apparently viewership dropped fifty percent between its first and second episodes, so I guess that means it wasn't doing so well, right? I don't understand how it is that an inane vehicle with Paris and Nicole can stay on for four seasons, despite the fact that now they aren't even speaking to each other, and yet a seemingly good show such as this one failed so quickly. After all, the show had two excellent actors in the lead roles. Chris O'Donnell, whether you like him or not, is definitely not a slouch of an actor. His co-lead was played by Adam Goldberg and, again, whether or not you like him, he's got some good comic timing and has done guests on shows we at Las F love, like Friends and Will and Grace. Hysterical every time. So what exactly happened to this show that it went down in a fiery blaze so fast? I blame, almost entirely, Fox's apparent inability to a) recognize when they have a potentially successful show on their hands, and b) market that potential success appropriately. Think about it - have you heard of the show? Do you know what it is about? Have you seen any ads for it? I, personally, had heard of it, had a vague idea of what it was about, but didn't know what time it was on or, really, anything else. That's bad - someone who stays on top of things like this has no idea what your new show is about. You're doing something wrong.

The network really shouldn't have a problem, here. I love Fox - Family Guy, The Simpsons, X-Files, all shows I love that they did right by. However, it's made its fair share of mistakes, and continues to. Look at Arrested Development, for example. The show took home Emmys in its first year for Best Comedy Series, Best Directing and Best Writing, and the fans still had to wage a grassroots war with the network to keep the show on. What was killing the program was the low ratings, and you know that it would have gotten better ratings if it had been marketed better and given a better time slot. You can't put a new show up against an established show such as Desperate Housewives. It just won't work. The show has a new time slot now, and picked up a couple more Emmys, not to mention viewers. Congratulations on not screwing up a really good thing, Fox. Idiots. I felt a little cheated by the fact that the show got cancelled before I even got a chance to watch it.

Food Addicts Anonymous

"I want to know if it's possible to get a hold of some celebrities who have lost massive amounts of weight lately and ask them exactly what they are eating?"

Well, Anonymous, while I can't exactly call the celebrities and ask to see their food diaries, we have our little feelers out to find out exactly what goes into the mouths of those who are suddenly not fat. And by the way, next time leave your name, that was a great question!

Kirstie Alley has made a public affair out of losing weight, becoming the star of the sitcom/reality show Fat Actress and spokeswoman for Jenny Craig. From what I've heard, she has indeed been successful in losing her 50 pounds, but as a result her television show is in trouble. There are now talks to cancel the show because it seems that the whole premise of it is gone. No wonder people in Hollywood are weight-crazy: they hound you to lose weight if you're even a little curvy, but then when you do your show gets the boot. Obviously the Hollywood bigwigs are not so much about people as about business. Now, as you may have seen on the show, she didn't really turn any kind of food down when she was fat, so what was her secret to getting thin? We know it wasn't Jenny Craig. However, my sources reveal that she really did do it the Jenny Craig way. She basically ate what was shipped to her and rarely deviated from the plan. Of course, she exercised, too. You know what? Good for her.

Anna Nicole is probably one of the most famously recent-thin, and the reports I've been receiving on her are not good. It has been rumored that she starves herself to get thinner, and of course she attributes her weight loss to "Trimspa, baby." Apparently all the positive responses she's been getting to her weight loss have prompted her to just stop eating. This goes to show you that there's an entire other side to weight loss - you could overeat due to what others say about you, and you can undereat for the same reason. She also has been known get frequent colonics. Talk about desperate to lose weight. Either way, she's an absolute train wreck, fat or thin. Look at her. But not for too long!

And then there's Calista Flockhart. She caught a lot of grief for looking anorexically thin, but she claims she's just naturally thin. There's thin, and there's Calista, and I know for sure she's not a fellow Swiss Cake Roll eater, such as myself. My sources indicate that although she claims to be naturally thin, she is an adherent of the Atkins diet anyway. She was also an exercise addict at one point, and still may be. I have even heard that she vomited after meals so that she could look like skin and bones. Whether or not any of this stuff is actually true can only be known to Calista, but it just goes to show you that appearance is a big business in Hollyweird. The moral of the story is this: you may not be the thinnest of people, you may not be the fattest, you may not be stereotypically gorgeous. What we real people (and especially you girls out there) need to remember is that you need to be comfortable in your own skin. It's more important than what your hair looks like, what clothes you wear or who made your shoes. Love yourself for who you are and that love will make you look gorgeous.

The Best of Celebrity Pets

When I die, I want to come back as a celebrity pet. They eat better, wear better clothes and go better places than I do. You would think that, by virtue of the fact that I work hard, try to be a good person and, oh, you know, I'm human, that I'd get the fancy clothes and good food. As it is, I'll just keep shopping at the Gap and eating whatever I cook, and just envy these animals that seem to be living the life I want. So now, as astutely pointed out by a reader, is the lowdown on celebrity pets.

First up is Sophie Winfrey, the dog in the picture at left. No, not the one in the turtleneck, that's Barbra Streisand, you bananaheads. Now, I'm sure you've all heard of Oprah giving her audience members cars, gifts, swag, a obscene amount of things. You can only imagine, then, what she must bestow on this dog. From what I've heard, this dog gets it's own gourmet meals catered when it goes on the road with her. Come on!!! I go on the road and I'm stuck eating Chinese takeout with a spork. Not fair. I mean, the dog got treated by a pet psychologist (which I still think is a money-making scam) for her "issues." She calls the thing her daughter. If Oprah wasn't filthy rich, we'd be calling her a lunatic for over-pampering her dog and considering it her child. Now, Oprah is a do-gooder, and we respect that, but for crying out loud, it's a dog. It can't tell the difference between a gourmet meal catered by the Ritz Carlton and Alpo. I mean, it sniffs butts. Let's be realistic here.

Moving on, before I start to lose my temper. Tinkerbell Hilton also has a life I envy. She gets slathered in luxury to the point where she doesn't even have to walk - she just gets carried everywhere. Of course, Paris was the pioneer of dog-as-accessory, so maybe it's not so much the dog she loves as the idea that it makes her look good. After all, if I saw Paris walking down the street with the dog in her arm, I'd refrain from hitting her with my car. Otherwise... Oh, I'm just kidding! The dog is seriously pampered, though. Look at what it's wearing! From what I hear, Paris is a customer of Tori Spelling's dog clothes line, which means she could spend more on one doggie outfit then I generally do on a piece of furniture. So you can imagine how much money she has to burn. Give it to charity, Paris. The dog probably thinks it looks like an idiot because it's dressed like a fruitcake. Of course, it's also a source of entertainment. Remember the time Paris thought Tinkerbell ran away? Not that I would blame it. She put up signs throughout her neighborhood talking about how badly she wanted the dog back, and about the reward, and about how important that dog is to her. Not important enough, I guess, to remember she had left the dog at her grandmother's house. I wonder if Grandma got the reward. I would have insisted on it if I were her.

Well, there you have it. Just two examples in a litany of celebrity pets that live way better than you or I do. If you have a pet of your own, don't feel as if you have to live up to these standards. Just slap some kibble in a tin bowl and give it lots of love, because that's probably all it really wants, anyway.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

We Heart Kevin Smith

If you said, "You heart who??" you're missing out on an entire universe - or should I say, Askewniverse - of hysterics and good films. As a service to you, we're going to tell you all about Kevin and what he has done for us.

Kevin is a fellow Jerseyan, and has paid hommage to my homeland in a number of films. You may remember them as "the Jay and Silent Bob" movies. Yes, he is the very same man who plays Silent Bob, which is odd, because if you've ever seen the two of them in an interview, the opposite is generally true. In any event, there are many (myself included) who have really enjoyed his movies because they are not just slapsticky and funny, but also make you think. For that reason he is a genius, and if he ever reads this - Kevin, you and I should chat. You'd like me. You should put me in Clerks X! Here's what you need to rent, in the order they should be seen:

Clerks - His first film, in black and white, chock full of witty banter and references you'll need to know to understand the rest of his films. Clerks was shot in the actual store Kevin worked at when it was closed, and was made for around $20,000, if I'm not mistaken. Cheap. But good.

Mallrats - He filmed his sophomore effort in color, but sadly, not in New Jersey. But it's set in New Jersey, so that makes up for it. Jason Lee's first appearance in a Smith film as Brodie is pants-wetting. Not only that, but it was practically the official movie of my generation, so you really ought to watch it. Also enjoy seeing Ben Affleck in a very uncomfortable position before he hit it big with that movie he made...what was that called?

Chasing Amy - This is definitely the most serious in the series so far. Still funny, and Jason and Ben return, but don't watch this film if you're looking to just tune out for a while. For this reason, it's also my favorite. A brilliant look at human nature and relationships today. Plus it gave birth to a long speech I used to woo the man of my dreams in college. Didn't work. But he was a dumb hater, anyway.

Dogma - If you thought this was just that fanatically religious film, you're missing out on so much. It's a different look at religion today, and how it compares to spirituality. Amazing fare coming from a purveyor of toilet humor, eh? He's truly smart, and this film proves it. And hey, is that - Salma Hayek? And Alan Rickman? And Matt Damon? This man has some friends, yo. And they all came to make a movie with him.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back - I have to admit, this was my least favorite of his films, but that didn't mean I didn't like it. This is the film to watch if you just want to laugh a lot and not think about things for a while. And you would not believe some of the cameos in this film. This guy really knows a ton of people.

Of course, there's also Jersey Girl, but that's not a Jay and Silent Bob film, so I won't go into that one too much, except to say that it's worth renting. The little girl is adorable. And be on the lookout for Clerks X: Passion of the Clerks, a tenth anniversary salute to the original. Now go out and rent some movies!

Review: My Name Is Earl

If you're anything like Las Fashionistas, once Gilmore Girls was over on Tuesday, it was a question of "what next?" Luckily for all of us, Jason Lee's new show My Name is Earl was on at 9, so it was a quick zip to NBC to watch if it would sink or swim. Now, we love Jason, and we were pretty excited that we'd get a chance to see his antics on a weekly basis. But would the new show live up to his potential?

On the whole, I have to say it was pretty good. In fact, it was well written and had a good concept. This is promising for a fledgling program, although I'm withholding judgement if this concept will carry it through a few seasons. The bottom line is, it's off to a good start, and it has the potential to carry it through for a while. It will get picked up for the second season, I'm sure of it. Of course, it helped that NBC pumped as much of its advertising dollar as it could to promote the show - I'm sure that will have something to do with its initial success, and the numbers out of the gate showed the network won the time slot. But what will keep the show going in the long term is Jason's hysterical grasp of the common man, and an excellent supporting cast.

Wha- wait a minute. Was that Willem, the lovable oaf from Mallrats?? In fact it was Ethan Suplee, also an alumni of The Butterfuly Effect and Cold Mountain. He was excellent, and supported Jason well, which shouldn't be shocking because they've worked together. Also fantastic in the episode were Earl's former abusee Kenny and Catalina, the maid of his hotel. And if you go to and look at the show's page, you can even check out Earl's list of amends he must make to improve his karma. Final decision - check Earl out next week, and you won't be at all disappointed.

Further Proof that Marcian is the Vainest Star in All the Land

"Look at me, I'm so hot. Of course my hair is naturally red, beeyotches!"

Seriously, this woman scares me. It's not normal to be that thin, and it's not normal to have skin that smooth at 42. I don't care if 40 is the new 30, it's just not natural. Someone needs to force-feed her a Big Mac stat.

You'd be pissed at her too if you'd just gone to the doctor's and discovered that you weighed three more pounds than last time you visited.


I hearby declare war on Marcian Crossing, aka Marcia Cross, Desperate Housewife. Readers, if you see any pictures of her, or hear anything that we can use to make fun of her, send it my way. lasfashionistas at yahoo dot com.

Sienna Miller Dumb as the Rest of Us

Sienna Miller, for all her good looks and jillions of dollars, is as stupid as the average woman when it comes to love.

Female First reports that the fashion model and actress has imposed her own set of commandments upon her erstwhile fiance, Cheating, Lying scumbag-- er--I mean, hot actor-Jude Law:

The 23-year-old actress - who even made the heartthrob actor write down every woman he's slept with [well played, darling! What if he lies to you?] - insists she won't stay with the star if he breaks the rules again and Jude has reportedly agreed to the conditions.

A source is quoted in Britain's Daily Mail newspaper as saying: "Jude has been a changed person since Sienna left him. While he totally dominated her before, since the allegations came out and she dumped him he has been totally different". [Las F note: that's the very least he can do, and we really do mean the absolute bare minimum.]

The source added: "Sienna believes in monogamy and will not stand for him cheating. And she has told him that he has to control his temper, as he often used to shout at her and she will not take it anymore".

The actress also made Jude promise to spend less time with ex-wife Sadie Frost, not to pressure her into marriage and to let her make her own decisions.

The insider added: "Everyone is joking that she has written her commandments down on a scroll!"

Heartthrob my saggy dimpled arse. A cheater is a cheater is a cheater! And fighting a control freak with, well, control freak tactics is never, ever, ever going to get you anywhere. In fact, it will probably backfire. We remain vigilant for a very public breakup and subsequent cat fight. My money's on Sadie.

Sienna, if I was a guy and my girlfriend, for whom I'd rudely ditched my wife and three children, dressed like this:

Or this:


Sienna has revealed herself to be a truly desperate woman. Instead of being mature enough to realize that a man who cheats once will do it again, she's doing what most women do-she's assuming that her love is enough to change him. Good luck, babe. If a man cheats on his wife with you, the chances are excellent that he'll continue to play the same old sick tricks and expect to get away with it just because he has a pretty face.

She believes in monogamy? Give me a frigging break. So how does she classify carrying on a dalliance with a married man who has three kids?

As far as I'm concerned, what goes around comes around. Sienna's mother must have never explained to her that whole bit about "If they do it with you, they'll do it to you" when it came to lying, cheating manwhores like Jude Lawless. Sienna, if you want my advice, you'll steer clear of that unwashed miscreant and send his ugly butt packing.

It just goes to show, dear readers, what the Shining Intellects have known all along: all the looks in the world can't make up for fidelity.

And all the modeling in the world can't make up for common sense. Kate Moss, we're looking at you too.

Where Are America's Next Top Models?

"Could you update us of any ANTM's alumni projects....whatever happened to them?"

Excellent question, Minmi. Now that the show is in it's fifth season (or cycle, as they call it), what happened to those four girls who won it all?

The winner of season one was Adrianne Curry (center), the classically beautiful but frighteningly wild one, and we all know what's the's doing now - a reality show with her boyfriend and former Brady Chris Knight on VH1. Her modeling career, however, has been just as busy. She's done magazines, television, and all around the world, no less. It looks like she may actually live up to her title.

Season two's winner, Yoanna House, a self-described '"bobo" (bohemian bourgeois), has been featured in Jane Magazine as her contract stipulated, but was also added to the Sephora campaign and came away a winner at Fashion Week in Los Angeles. That's not all, however. She also booted Elisabeth Hasselbeck out of her comfy hosting spot on the Style Network's show The Look For Less and took it over for herself. I'm starting to see a pattern here - could it be that being on America's Next Top Model is not just an other reality show, but an actual launching pad for modeling success?

The the third season winner was a very young diva and had an unfortunate last name. Eva Pigford has since been seen with Cover Girl and Applebottoms as a spokeswoman. She's also done television and magazines, and not only that, but will be appearing in the uplcoming film Premium, so be on the lookout for her. Busy lady!

The ethnically diverse, mowhawked Naima Mora was the winner of season four, and since her win has been seen on the most recent Emmy's, handing out awards. Did you recognize her? Go back and look. She was also awarded a contract from Cover Girl. Her win was recent, so we haven't seen much else from her, but if her predecessors are any indicator, she'll have lots of projects in no time.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Kelly Osbourne smiles not only once but twice, check Hell for skiing

Dost our eyes deceiveth us?
Is this Kelly Osbourne?
The Princess of Pout? The Queen of Cloud?
The Crown Jewel of Cross? The Oracle of Ornery?
The Potentate of Pissy? The Incarnate, Breathing, Derelict of Mirth?

But soft, what light from yonder JPG breaks?

That smile could light a small town for at least a day.

And THAT smile could keep NYC warm!

Kelly, babe, we love you! We knew you could do it! You can wear whatever the crap you want as long as you smile like that. We're so proud.

Discubriendo el Mundo

"Never been too far from the good Ole US of A, have you?"

Pedro, you make a good point. There is a great, big world out there, and in the second installment of the Las F Runup to Europe series, we're going to tackle a few problems that exist when we actually do travel, and solutions to them. See, there are two kinds of traveling Americans. The first kind is curious about other cultures and places, respectful of our differences and fulfilled by learning about other countries. The second kind is generally ignorant, disrespectful, and give the rest of us a bad name. I suspect that there are those types in a lot of other countries, too. So, since most people judge you before finding out if you're type one or type two, you'd better get your act together early in the game.

Problem #1: Do You Speak English?
The answer is usually yes, and that's not the only thing. People who study English as a foreign language will not only be able to converse with you easily, but will probably be way better at grammar than you are.
Solution: When you talk to someone whose first language is not English, for crying out loud, enunciate properly and use the correct grammar. And be sure to address the person you're talking to respectfully, and not by the first name unless you are invited to do so.

Problem #2: You're In My Space
Let's say you run into some friends at, oh, I don't know, the library. Whereas you might hug your friends, other cultures would get flustered at the space invasion. On the other hand, you might be the one flustered if someone goes to kiss you on the cheek.
Solution: Before you travel abroad, make sure you learn the local customs. Find out how you greet people when you first meet them, and what the rules are for riding on the subway or eating in a restaurant. It is advisable to learn what to do and remove the possibility of looking like a fool.

Problem #3: President What's-His-Name
George Bush. Junichiro Koizumi. Gerhard Schroeder. Jacques Chirac. Hamid Karzai. If I'm right, you probably only recognized one of those names. Maybe two. Elsewhere on Earth, people recognize all their names and can tell you where they come from. They are also keen geographers and know more about American history than you do.
Solution: Foreign education and news has more of a world perspective, and as Americans we don't enjoy those privilages. So, to combat this, Las F endorses watching BBC News, a highly reputable outlet that will not only give you what's going on in the world, but who the key players are. And if you're still in school, go ahead and take that geography course. Expand your world.

We hope this helps you out. Remember - if you enter into things with patience and an open mind, you will be much better received then if you go in there asking for a "kay-sa-dilla." And for those of you who will be the hosts of our trips patient with us.

Feedback Loop - September

As a fun new feature, we've instituted a brand, institution. Every month we'll give you a new question and a chance to post what you think is the best answer. There is no better way to know what's hip than to go directly to the source - the people. Let your voice be heard in the comments section!

This month's question: What is the world's best vacation spot?

Fashionista Jersey: Aruba. Never rains, never to hot, never too dry, but perfect all year round.

Fashionista Cali: Maui - I went there on my honeymoon. Some of the most beautiful coasts you'll ever see, and some really cool foods. You just have to go there!

How to Look Great on Halloween

Halloween is fast-approaching, and I can tell because Target already has all of their decorations on sale. The speed at which stores sell holiday goods is a little tough to keep up with. I heard a commercial last week for the sale of tickets to the annual Radio City Christmas Show. Too. Soon. But since they are already selling costumes and the like, we'll give you the goods now so you can be ready whenever you do pick out your costume.

If you have ever seen Mean Girls (and if you haven't, put it at the very top of your list), you remember the scene where Cady goes to the halloween party dressed in that hideous costume, not having realized that she should have worn something that made her look stunning (like the three Plastics did, at left). See, in America, and probably elsewhere, halloween costumes are less about having a fantastic costume than looking terrific in something you wouldn't ordinarily wear. For example, a lot of women use the holiday as an excuse to wear the skankiest outfit possible and not get in trouble. We at Las F are not completely averse to this (wink, wink). The key, as always, is class and sass.

One of my favorite things about halloween is that I get to wear things that I generally wouldn't wear out in public but I can't help but be curious. For example, I've never been able to successfully pull off the tie-on-a-woman trend, so halloween is a great time to try it, perhaps as a private school student. You might also use it as an opportunity to wear that glitter that you'd never wear in public, or perhaps try a personality you've never tried before. This year, I'll be attending festivities as an evil fairy, which pretty much entails a sexy dress and black wings, with some well-placed glitter. You could also go the other route and do something that fits who you are. When I was in grammar school, one of my teacher's was pregnant, and came dressed as a gumball machine. How cute is that idea? But whatever you do, if you want to play it safe, it's a good idea to wear a costume that looks good if you take the more costumey pieces off. For example, that evil fairy easily converts to plain-old sexy me if I take the wings off. This is insurance in case you get to the party and find out it was not a costume party, as Elle Woods did in Legally Blonde. Then you're just a snazzy dresser. If you're quite sure it's a costume party, however, and you want to go all out, by all means do so. I particularly love the geisha costume, available at There are no limits on halloween.

If the costume thing really isn't for you, that's okay, too. Just don't wear a shirt that says, "This is my costume." It isn't. And it just screams tacky. Old Navy has a nice selection of tees that have cute halloween phrases or pictures that look great with a pair of jeans and don't require a lot of effort to be in the spirit. And don't just put on a stupid hat or feather boa and think that passes for a costume. It doesn't. The worst, however, is when you have a truly great idea for a costume and nowhere to go with it. That's just an unfulfilled dream. A simple solution is to volunteer to take a younger relative trick-or-treating, or wear your costume to take your child out. It's better than sitting at home the whole night, alone, in your costume. In addition, I am a big advocate of dressing your children up in adorable outfits. My niece was a strawberry one year. Precious! Embarass your kids now so you won't feel the urge later.

Look Goth and Look Great

Our friend Anabbelle posed the following question: "I'm into very gothic clothing and style but I want to look cool and sophisticated and not like trash. Do you have any help on where to find great clothes?"

An excellent question. Let's start by first getting something straight. Goth can so easily go bad, as we see here at left. The big difference between being a bad one and a goth who is well put together is, well, nihilism, and of course not being sloppy. Just because you dress in dark clothing doesn't mean you must also be chronically depressed. Smile, and above all, be neat about it. The hair will really be the deciding factor. Keeping a feminine style (and doing it well) will soften whatever you are doing down below, so it will give you the girly aspect of an edgier look. Also, as we stated previously,you can accomplish a look gracefully by making sure the pieces you wear are good quality and well-presented. Don't wear sloppy jeans or shirts - it will only make you look sloppy. That being said, the question of where to get good goth clothes is a little bit more difficult.

My first thought was to go directly to Hot Topic and not look back, but after doing a little more research, it became obvious why it's the most popular destination for goth apparel - it's the only store that seems to take the subculture seriously. A lot of the other stuff that's out there is jokey or just plain ugly, and we wouldn't do that to you. Really, it doesn't matter where you get clothes as long as you wear it well, which is true for any style of dress. The thing you must keep in mind, though is to choose carefully, and there is no such thing as overaccessorizing in this culture. I especially liked the necklace I found, such as at right. It's goth, but it's feminine, and would go great with a low cut top or a dress. Now, there are a few don'ts that I feel I should pass on before we conclude: no ripped things, no hair with more than two colors, and don't hide your face under black and white makeup - you are far too beautiful for that.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Welcome new guests!

We are delighted to see so many new faces on this little blog! We started it for our own amusement, but we're delighted to see it amuses so many others as well. Now that we know our site is cool, we're out for world domination!
Please feel free to share our site with all your friends as a dependable source of fashion advice and witty put-downs!

The Shining Intellects at Las F

Why the Emmys were REALLY created....

In order for the Shining Intellects to lovingly poke fun at all celebrities!

"What do you MEAN, there are no bathroom breaks?!?" [Just kidding Jen--you look GREAT!]

"Stop smiling, Debra. I am the New Redhead on TV. I am skinnier than you, smoother than you, and hotter than you. My plan for emerald-green mid-nineties world domination is complete! All will bow before my botoxed beauty! Buwahahahaa!"

Someone on this earth, a mermaid is trapped in human body, desperately hoping to get her voice back.

While waiting for someone to notice her, Jennifer Lowe Hewitt nervously wonders whether it was a good idea to make a dress out of the confetti she used for her "Over the Hill" party last weekend.