Saturday, September 24, 2005

Going the Way of the Clog

It seems as if the Dutch, in addition to giving us windmills and tulips, have given us clogs as well. Much to our chagrin, the clog is back in a big way, and we're a bit befuddled. What are we to do with this? Wear it? Use it as a planter? The key, as always, is to know what looks best for you, and don't be drawn in by an absolutely hideous shoe just because it's kitchy. Observe:

These are the garden variety of clog, and what I believe to be the opposite end of the fashionable spectrum. Honey, just don't do it. Unless you are actually gardening, in which case it might be appropriate. You might also be able to pull off wearing them on the beach, but that's it. Don't put them on with a cute top and jeans and walk out of the house thinking you won't get stared at. Here's a gauge for you: if you were at the mall peoplewatching (a favorite pasttime of Las F) and you saw someone walk by with those on, what would you do? Exactly. Don't do it. I also don't recommend the furry Ugg version of the clog, for two reasons. First of all, they just look like bedroom slippers. Secondly, if it's cold enough for wool-lined shoes, are you going to want to expose your foot? No. Form must follow function.

Instead, let me introduce you to the nicer versions of clogs that look great and don't make your foot look as chunky as your shoe. Mules like the one at right are sleek and comfortable, and can go nicely with a dressier outfit or dress up jeans and a t-shirt. Some people will say that this is too soccer-mom or too corporate casual to ever look cool, but I disagree. A lot of people enjoy the clog and should not be dissuaded from wearing it. The outfit I had in mind for this one: a knee-length skirt, button-down top and opaque tights which, if you don't own any, should go to the top of your list now that fall is coming. Face it - you can't wear stilettos to everything. This shoe is a great alternative.

Just as a further bit of clarification, let me warn you against wearing the kind of clog pictured at left. It seems to be a contradiction of terms, really. It has laces, but you'll never have the need to use them. It's a feminine, attempting-to-be-dressy shoe, but it has a lug sole. This shoe seems to be having an identity crisis. "Am I hardcore, or am I just a big tedy bear? Who am I?" That's okay, shoe. You figure yourself out, and in the meantime, we'll take your older sister out on a date. So, ladies, that's how to appropriately wear a clog. And men - I mean this as nicely as possible - don't ever, ever put a clog on your foot. Ever. You won't like the consequences. I know they make them for you. Don't do it.