When I die, I want to come back as a celebrity pet. They eat better, wear better clothes and go better places than I do. You would think that, by virtue of the fact that I work hard, try to be a good person and, oh, you know, I'm human, that I'd get the fancy clothes and good food. As it is, I'll just keep shopping at the Gap and eating whatever I cook, and just envy these animals that seem to be living the life I want. So now, as astutely pointed out by a reader, is the lowdown on celebrity pets.

First up is Sophie Winfrey, the dog in the picture at left. No, not the one in the turtleneck, that's Barbra Streisand, you bananaheads. Now, I'm sure you've all heard of Oprah giving her audience members cars, gifts, swag, a obscene amount of things. You can only imagine, then, what she must bestow on this dog. From what I've heard, this dog gets it's own gourmet meals catered when it goes on the road with her. Come on!!! I go on the road and I'm stuck eating Chinese takeout with a spork. Not fair. I mean, the dog got treated by a pet psychologist (which I still think is a money-making scam) for her "issues." She calls the thing her daughter. If Oprah wasn't filthy rich, we'd be calling her a lunatic for over-pampering her dog and considering it her child. Now, Oprah is a do-gooder, and we respect that, but for crying out loud, it's a dog. It can't tell the difference between a gourmet meal catered by the Ritz Carlton and Alpo. I mean, it sniffs butts. Let's be realistic here.

Moving on, before I start to lose my temper. Tinkerbell Hilton also has a life I envy. She gets slathered in luxury to the point where she doesn't even have to walk - she just gets carried everywhere. Of course, Paris was the pioneer of dog-as-accessory, so maybe it's not so much the dog she loves as the idea that it makes her look good. After all, if I saw Paris walking down the street with the dog in her arm, I'd refrain from hitting her with my car. Otherwise... Oh, I'm just kidding! The dog is seriously pampered, though. Look at what it's wearing! From what I hear, Paris is a customer of Tori Spelling's dog clothes line, which means she could spend more on one doggie outfit then I generally do on a piece of furniture. So you can imagine how much money she has to burn. Give it to charity, Paris. The dog probably thinks it looks like an idiot because it's dressed like a fruitcake. Of course, it's also a source of entertainment. Remember the time Paris thought Tinkerbell ran away? Not that I would blame it. She put up signs throughout her neighborhood talking about how badly she wanted the dog back, and about the reward, and about how important that dog is to her. Not important enough, I guess, to remember she had left the dog at her grandmother's house. I wonder if Grandma got the reward. I would have insisted on it if I were her.

Well, there you have it. Just two examples in a litany of celebrity pets that live way better than you or I do. If you have a pet of your own, don't feel as if you have to live up to these standards. Just slap some kibble in a tin bowl and give it lots of love, because that's probably all it really wants, anyway.