Saturday, October 08, 2005

Guy Mistakes: 6 Through 10

"Those are the top five?! Hrmm. Where is six through ten then?"

This comment from Anonymous left me a little befuddled. Was it an insult? Was it a challenge? I decided to take it as a challenge and issue a few other don'ts for the guys out there. Especially since we've received a few reluctant letters who said they'd break down and buy a new pair of shoes, or pull up their pants. Now that we've gone beyond the top five, it's time to get a little more technical. Consider this part two of the beginner's course.

Mistake #6: Inappropriate Facial Hair
You have two choices: shave regularly or do facial hair right. Doing facial hair right means picking a style that works well with your face, and keeping it neat. Much like your hedges, you need to groom your facial hair so that it's well-trimmed and -shaped. Also, if you have facial hair, shave the five o'clock shadow! Do not allow other growth on your face - you will just look sloppy. Do it right or not at all. A nice beard and mustache trimmer is priceless and something you should use frequently.

Mistake #7: Tevas
If you'll recall, I mentioned that you should not go out shopping for mandals without graduating to the advanced class, and this is the reason why. I mean, there are a very few occasions where they would be okay. Hiking, maybe, but even then, with the amount of stuff that can hurt you in the woods, you need to wear boots. No, I can't think of one situation where Tevas would be better than a different shoe. They are just ugly. This rule is different for girls - they can get away with them more often - but not much. But girls have pretty feet.

Mistake #8: Ponytails
No! I must insist you cut your hair! Think about all the guys with long hair that don't look good: Kenny G, Michael Bolton, George Washington. Think about the only men that looked good: Slash, Gandalf, Chad Kroeger. Recognize that you are neither a wizard nor a rock star and go cut your hair. If you insist on wearing your hair long, follow the same rules as your facial hair: keep it neat, keep it clean. I knew a guy in college who used Pantene so his long hair wouldn't be offensive. I admit, I was jealous of his mane. But he cut his hair a couple of years later and looked fantastic.

Mistake #9: Ghetto Hat
I know you think you look all harsh because the brim of your baseball cap is anywhere but in front, but believe me, you look ridiculous. Baseball caps can look great on guys, I'm a big fan, but do it right. Also, if you're wearing the hat with the brim stick straight, you should break it in a little. You don't want to look foolish, right?

Mistake #10: The Speedo
There are myriad reasons to never don a Speedo. You'll look cocky, you'll look unattractive, I could go on all night. You have to be in pretty much peak physical condition to pull off a Speedo, so if you're not, wear a more flattering bathingsuit. Surf-style trunks are a great look for the beach. Look at the guy at left - he's not fat in any way, but do you really think he looks good? Definitely not. Get trunks.