Sorry to disappoint those of you who hoped Katie would someday come to her senses...the Cruises are with child. Supposedly there isn't a disappointed family member to be seen.


Rumor has it that arguments have ensued between the happy couple over where to have their wedding. Tom apparently wants to get married in L.A. in the Scientology world headquarters, or whatever they call that place. Katie, on the other hand, prefers to marry in Mexico in a quaint resort in the Yucatan peninsula. We've also heard that Katie's father Martin, a devout Catholic, is openly against Tom's involvement in Scientology, as well as his daughter's. Good heavens, someone please stop these people!

I'm sure that Tom and Katie, however, will be comforted by knowing that the newly porkeriffic Charlotte Church has stood up for them and defended their union, saying that Tom Cruise is just "so genuine." Charlotte, what are you, fifteen? When you get a little more experience than dating a rugby player who can't even fend off the muggers who stole your shoes, maybe then you can talk. Until then, go back to the kiddie table and let the grown-ups talk for a while.

As for the child, well, God help the poor thing. He's probably going to get some name like Rocketship Hornblower, and then there will be no hope. As for Katie...I think we can let that little glimmer of hope die now.

Phew, time for a nap. It's been a busy newsday.