Thursday, January 19, 2006

Dead TV Shows Everywhere

Now that the midseason is a couple of weeks old, the networks have once again guillotined a few of their less-promising shows, whether we like it or not. However, there are always some good axes with the bad, so let's see what we'll have to cry about and what we can celebrate.

I'm personally thrilled that the nauseating Pam Anderson vehicle Stacked is most likely on it's last legs. It's being moved to Thursdays at 9:30 after the struggling That 70s Show, so we're probably not going to see it ever again. And thank God for that. An entire show built around Pam's breasts has, ironically, very little material to work with. I can't believe they got Christopher Lloyd to be on it - in fact, I think he's a producer. We'll just shake our heads and move on. Also on the chopping block was ABC's Emily's Reasons Why Not, which was the new Heather Graham show that I'm sure struggled because no one had heard of it. It wasn't very well marketed. Obviously ABC has their hands full with their generational smash hits Lost and Desperate Housewives. They're making so much money off those shows they could probably put monkey olympics in the other slots and still come out on top. Of course, I don't find Heather Graham to be a strong enough actress to carry off a lead role on her own, especially not on a weekly program. Go back to acting school, Heather. I don't care how good Boogie Nights was. ABC need not worry about the monkey olympics, because it has other great contenders in shows like Grey's Anatomy, which will of course be back for another run.

For those of you who were looking for the super good news, your prayers have been answered. It looks like there are not one, but two networks vying for the airing of Arrested Development. It's currently between Showtime and NBC, and I hope NBC gets it for two reasons. 1) If it gets a really successful run out of Arrested Development it might finally give Joey the ax, although I'm sure buying out his contract will cost them. 2) I don't get Showtime. Besides, if the show did run on Showtime, there would be no taboo subject, and I think that's part of what makes the show great - it pushes boundaries. If there are no boundaries, there is no show. The end of AD's stay at the Fox network annoys me to no end. It's as if the network wants to be the drunken uncle of the network family. They just can't do good television. They're giving AD a sendoff it deserves, with a four-episode blowout, but in their unmitigating gall they're putting it up against the opening ceremonies of the winter olympics. What's the point? Just put it on DVD and we'll do the rest.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

When Bad Dresses Happen to Good Women

No matter how much I like a particular actress, she can really disappoint me on the red carpet. Some notables include Selma Blair, Helena Bonham Carter and of course, Bjork. Here are a few examples of Monday night's discomfort.

1. Emma Thompson. Where was your makeup artist, Emma? Or your hair stylist? And who on earth thought your boobs looked good in that dress? We can here again see the need for a foundation or some lycra. She's not fat, but you don't need the protruding belly, especially for such an unforgiving material as satin. As for the stole - how many animals suffered for you, Emma? I love you, but your style is just too offbeat for me.

2. Reese Witherspoon. On yesterday's post Megamoo mentioned Reese, and I thought for a minute we were clairvoyantly linked, but when you examine the dress Ms. Witherspoon wore, there's really not too much of a mental leap to make here. I guess I'm just - confused. It looks like one dress on the top, then another below, but then - wait for it - there is the first one again peeking out from the second dress. I love you, Reese. Make it a little easier on me. And while we're on the subject, crack a smile, Ryan. Your wife is about to win a big award. You don't always need that smug look on your face. Life isn't Cruel Intentions. He looks like the fifth T-bird.

3. Michelle Williams. All you Creek Freaks out there will have difficulty getting over what Michelle is wearing. It's this big, purple, floppy, Barney-esque monstrosity. And ladies, while we're on the subject, if you're ever on stage accepting an award or acting, and you take a bow, and you're in a low cut dress, you could show the world the goodies. Instead, opt for a shallower bow or a demure head nod.

4. Gwyneth Paltrow. Another moment of clairvoyance. This is what flappers would wear if they had proms. Bizarre patterning and ruffling make this dress terribly unflattering. Furthermore, this girl has the worst posture I've ever seen in my life. This ensemble just makes her look frumpy.

5. Rachel Weisz. This is a situation where it's not just the outfit that's wrong, but the entire package. Rachel's hair looks like it belongs on Jerry Lee Lewis, or the Rocketeer, but certainly not her head. The dress is a disaster. The color is pretty, but her boobs have no idea what they're supposed to be doing. They're just sort of stuffed in there, and apparently one tried to escape so they had to tie it down. And, as a personal opinion, with something so revealing on the top, you should add a little extra jewelry, because all people will see is your skin unless you have some dangly earrings or a sparkly necklace to distract them. Ugh. I have got to stop looking at her, but it's like a train wreck you can't look away from.

Well, that's it for this year's Globes. Fear not, ladies and gents. The next award show is just around the corner...

Red Carpet Evil: When Bad Dresses happen to Women We don't Care About

I know, I know, the title was supposed to be: When Bad Dresses Happen to Good Women, but I ended up attacking everyone I didn't like. So here you are:

Michelle, we know your husband/boy toy/whatever they call fathers of your children these days is more famous than you, and for that you have our pity. It's always a shame when your man steals the spotlight. But this dress?! Sweetie. Please. This is not the way to get positive media attention. It is, however, the way to get scorned and derided by the Shining Intellects. It's a TIER dress. Tiers. Graduating layers. Tiers belong on wedding cakes and in performance halls, not on perfectly good legs that have done you no wrong.
OH and PS? We see your collarbones. Whoop de doo.

Everyone knows that I hate Marcia Cross. I hate her with the burning of a thousand rugburns on the tender knees of innocent children. I despise her size-zero smugness, her Botoxed taciturnity, and her general aura of being better than everyone else. But even if I loved her, I think I'd still be required to despise this dress. It seems to me that despite her persistent and annoying sveltesse, Marcia has suddenly realized that breasts are probably a good idea afterall. Since she's already dieted herself into oblivion, she asked her dressmaker to make something that would make everyone think she had them. I'm not fooled. You always want what you don't have, right?

We've all ditched on Renee Zellweger for not eating. Eating is generally a good idea, and we at Las F strongly recommend it for survival, longevity, and lack of size-zero smugness. Renee does not share this view. She prefers to troll around in one of Catherine Zeta-Jones' old dresses from Chicago (altered by a good 15 inches everywhere, of course!) and eat as little as possible. Love the bracelet, though. It seems as if she's also started using a professional colorist again instead of that college girl who insisted that mahogany brown was just the color for her and who cares if the box says to only leave the color in for 3 minutes, because everyone knows you get a deeper color if you leave it in longer! I guess we can give 1/2 credit, then.

Terri Fame Snatcher looks a little fatigued after her strenuous audition to be a Vegas showgirl. They really work you hard at those auditions, and that celery stick she had yesterday burned right off! She didn't even have time to change out of her costume, and those big feather hats are SO heavy that now she has a case of TOTAL hat-head. Or feather-head. Whatever.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Golden Girls (and Guys)

With brief interlude (only to say I'm thrilled about Reese and Joaquin winning Globes!) here are the absolutely best dressed people to grace the red carpet last night. Before that, let me ask - do men even need to try? Throw on a tux and you're done. It hardly seems fair. Women have to bring it new and different every event and yet be stylish every time to win our hearts. Yet another reason why I'll come back as a man in my next life.

1. Charlize Theron. I spent a few minutes trying to figure out if that was her skin under the sheer layer or another layer of fabric, but either way, she looks stunning as usual. Damn her.

2. Jamie Pressly. As we previously reported, Jamie is really learning how to strut it with the best of them, and this gown proves it. She knows how to take advantage of her to-die-for figure, and her hair really says Hollywood glam.

3. Sandra Oh. I especially love the color of this dress, one of the few in which I felt she has worn that I could take her seriously. It reminds me of some kind of nautical creature, but I can't remember which one.

4. Jamie Foxx. One of the few men who stood out enough to be recognized (in a good way). Black on black had been done before, but this black on what seems to be royal purple is new. I like it. But the indoor sunglass wearing has got to go.

5. Zhang Ziyi. This may be an unpopular one, but color aside, that dress is gorgeous and she looks gorgeous in it. Now, considering the color, it's admittedly not my favorite, but she really stood out without having to put on a swan (sorry, Bjork).

6. Kyra Sedgwick. The rich color is lovely, and the gown itself is nice, but she could have used a little more top. It's not like you're breastfeeding, honey. Regardless, I thought she looked quite nice.

7. Eva Longoria. I hate this chick, but I'll be damned if she doesn't look good. She wears classic red very well, and I like the hair down. Most people assume a black-tie event means an updo, but well-coifed hair worn down is just as formal.

Coming up tomorrow is Red Carpet Evil: "When Bad Dresses Happen to Good Women" Edition.