Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Red Carpet Evil: When Bad Dresses happen to Women We don't Care About

I know, I know, the title was supposed to be: When Bad Dresses Happen to Good Women, but I ended up attacking everyone I didn't like. So here you are:

Michelle, we know your husband/boy toy/whatever they call fathers of your children these days is more famous than you, and for that you have our pity. It's always a shame when your man steals the spotlight. But this dress?! Sweetie. Please. This is not the way to get positive media attention. It is, however, the way to get scorned and derided by the Shining Intellects. It's a TIER dress. Tiers. Graduating layers. Tiers belong on wedding cakes and in performance halls, not on perfectly good legs that have done you no wrong.
OH and PS? We see your collarbones. Whoop de doo.

Everyone knows that I hate Marcia Cross. I hate her with the burning of a thousand rugburns on the tender knees of innocent children. I despise her size-zero smugness, her Botoxed taciturnity, and her general aura of being better than everyone else. But even if I loved her, I think I'd still be required to despise this dress. It seems to me that despite her persistent and annoying sveltesse, Marcia has suddenly realized that breasts are probably a good idea afterall. Since she's already dieted herself into oblivion, she asked her dressmaker to make something that would make everyone think she had them. I'm not fooled. You always want what you don't have, right?

We've all ditched on Renee Zellweger for not eating. Eating is generally a good idea, and we at Las F strongly recommend it for survival, longevity, and lack of size-zero smugness. Renee does not share this view. She prefers to troll around in one of Catherine Zeta-Jones' old dresses from Chicago (altered by a good 15 inches everywhere, of course!) and eat as little as possible. Love the bracelet, though. It seems as if she's also started using a professional colorist again instead of that college girl who insisted that mahogany brown was just the color for her and who cares if the box says to only leave the color in for 3 minutes, because everyone knows you get a deeper color if you leave it in longer! I guess we can give 1/2 credit, then.

Terri Fame Snatcher looks a little fatigued after her strenuous audition to be a Vegas showgirl. They really work you hard at those auditions, and that celery stick she had yesterday burned right off! She didn't even have time to change out of her costume, and those big feather hats are SO heavy that now she has a case of TOTAL hat-head. Or feather-head. Whatever.