Wednesday, January 18, 2006

When Bad Dresses Happen to Good Women

No matter how much I like a particular actress, she can really disappoint me on the red carpet. Some notables include Selma Blair, Helena Bonham Carter and of course, Bjork. Here are a few examples of Monday night's discomfort.

1. Emma Thompson. Where was your makeup artist, Emma? Or your hair stylist? And who on earth thought your boobs looked good in that dress? We can here again see the need for a foundation or some lycra. She's not fat, but you don't need the protruding belly, especially for such an unforgiving material as satin. As for the stole - how many animals suffered for you, Emma? I love you, but your style is just too offbeat for me.

2. Reese Witherspoon. On yesterday's post Megamoo mentioned Reese, and I thought for a minute we were clairvoyantly linked, but when you examine the dress Ms. Witherspoon wore, there's really not too much of a mental leap to make here. I guess I'm just - confused. It looks like one dress on the top, then another below, but then - wait for it - there is the first one again peeking out from the second dress. I love you, Reese. Make it a little easier on me. And while we're on the subject, crack a smile, Ryan. Your wife is about to win a big award. You don't always need that smug look on your face. Life isn't Cruel Intentions. He looks like the fifth T-bird.

3. Michelle Williams. All you Creek Freaks out there will have difficulty getting over what Michelle is wearing. It's this big, purple, floppy, Barney-esque monstrosity. And ladies, while we're on the subject, if you're ever on stage accepting an award or acting, and you take a bow, and you're in a low cut dress, you could show the world the goodies. Instead, opt for a shallower bow or a demure head nod.

4. Gwyneth Paltrow. Another moment of clairvoyance. This is what flappers would wear if they had proms. Bizarre patterning and ruffling make this dress terribly unflattering. Furthermore, this girl has the worst posture I've ever seen in my life. This ensemble just makes her look frumpy.

5. Rachel Weisz. This is a situation where it's not just the outfit that's wrong, but the entire package. Rachel's hair looks like it belongs on Jerry Lee Lewis, or the Rocketeer, but certainly not her head. The dress is a disaster. The color is pretty, but her boobs have no idea what they're supposed to be doing. They're just sort of stuffed in there, and apparently one tried to escape so they had to tie it down. And, as a personal opinion, with something so revealing on the top, you should add a little extra jewelry, because all people will see is your skin unless you have some dangly earrings or a sparkly necklace to distract them. Ugh. I have got to stop looking at her, but it's like a train wreck you can't look away from.

Well, that's it for this year's Globes. Fear not, ladies and gents. The next award show is just around the corner...