Saturday, September 17, 2005

My Fair Brady

If you were watching VH1 last Sunday night at 9:30, you had the opportunity to see their new celebreality show, My Fair Brady. This is where former Brady kid Chris Knight (left) and his live-in girlfriend, America's Next Top Model winner Adrienne Curry (below right), unfold their relationship in all it's pitfalls and glories for the world to gape at. And, of course, we do. If you have not seen this show, you really ought to see it this Sunday at 9:30, because it is a little bit funny, a little bit touching, and a lotta bit how-is-this-happening. While the age difference (25 years) is jarring, at the very least, it's really not what's most disturbing about the relationship. And so, we've written an open letter to the couple (bearing in mind that the show is taped well in advance of when we watch it, and they have probably already broken up).

Dear Chris and Adrienne,
You two crazy kids! You're in love, you're living together, everything is hunky dory, right? Well, we all know it's not, so let's be real for a minute here. You both need a little bit of a wake up call that Florence Henderson can't give you (by the way, Chris, no fair springing that judgement session on Adrienne and masking it as a meet and greet). So here I am to do just that.

Christopher, you're about 45 now, right? It's time for you to grow up now. Most people your age have already done that, so you're going to be quite lonely for a little while, but trust me you will be happier once you do. Then you might learn that a 22 year old is not really for you. You might also learn that you need to be up front with a woman when you get involved with her, and tell her what you're looking for in a relationship, or you'll get what you're currently getting from Adrienne. Yes, she's immature and she burps really loud and she's not at all shy, but you knew that when you got together with her. Don't act surprised. Now you have the difficult duty of being honest with her and telling her you just don't want to be with her. Just be honest with her. She'll hate you for it at first, but she'll get over it eventually.

Now, Adrienne, you're adorable. You have this whole modeling thing you're doing, and that's fantastic! Now step away from the middle aged man and go live your life. You're aging every day you're with him. That being said, desperation makes any woman look bad, so for crying out loud, stop pining over this old man who doesn't know what he wants and live your life! Find someone on your level and be with him, because not only does this guy not know what he wants, but you're just making yourself look bad trying to keep a guy who's obviously not happy. Now, what you need to do is tearfully tell him you know he's not happy and leave, and never look back. Then go out and work really hard, get the great career and look back in five years and laugh that you actually wanted to be with that immature loser. Trust me, you will feel like Nicole Kidman!

With love,
Las F