Dear Ashlee,

Everyone is talking about how you're the new Jessica. And there's a lot of evidence to back that up. You finally got rid of that ghastly black hair and there are even whispers of a nose job although I liked your nose.

Lemme give you a little piece of advice, honey. You want to replace Jessica?

Then this (An unnecessary sartiorial tribute to Britney Spears):



Or this (an equally offensive tribute to Kirsten Dunst minus the great shades):



Or this (More Britney but at least you opted for shoes):


Are all completely unacceptable. You may be growing up, sweetie, but you've still got a long way to go.


It's called a hairbrush. Use it. Embrace it. Please.