Dear Jessica,

I miss you. While your "chicken of the sea" and "cosby kids" antics annoyed me at the time, I find myself wistfully reminiscing of days of old (or new...lyweds).

I said I could take no more, after your boots trash-shayed all over "Dukes." Your Big in '05 trout-pout and Joan Rivers-style eyelift didn't help either. However, your very sad and public relationship snafu left me feeling sorry for you. And I came back for more.

Now this?



If we're going to remain friends, I need you to explain a few things:

• Is lil' Kenny angry at you? Did he grab the Clairol box labeled "Apricot" by accident or was it on purpose?

• Did you fall asleep at Mystic Tan? I recommend a good power wash and some heavy exfoliation immediately.

• And the dress...I'm thinking, orange-sherbet Push Pop. Except that the top of the dress forgot to "push" your bosoms into place.

Jess, wave goodbye to your quest for America's Sweetheart. I'm afraid that this love-hate relationship is finally over.

Images courtesy of Superficial and Fug.