Monday, October 16, 2006

What to avoid this season: Fashions that have F. Cali Really Mad

Alright readers. It's official. There is nothing to wear this season. I've been shopping four times the past two months and each time I have come away empty-handed save a few cotton basic shirts from Old Navy. I'm appalled. I feel as if all the designers got together and decided to exact revenge on us, the women who keep their industry afloat. Is this a red-state/blue-state thing? Are they punishing us for not looking like models? Were their endless colonics making them irritable? No one can say for sure, but I do know that I have never witnessed a Fall season so chock full of completely unflattering and downright UGLY ensembles:

Superfluous Belts Need to dress up last year's suit? Put on a skinny belt! Not only will you instantly experience the Torso-Shortening Power of the belt, but as an added bonus, viewers will instantly be drawn to what is undoubtedly a trouble spot if you weigh more than 110 lbs: your belly! Goodbye all the efforts you've been making at the gym; hello stomach splooge. NOTE: Wide, low-slung belts are good. I encourage you to wear them as they have an elongating effect. Skinny belts, however, are the spawn of the devil.

Kimono Sleeves If anything speaks to designer's hatred for the Common Jane it is this fashion. You can just see them plotting at their design boards: "What does this shirt/sweater/dress need? It NEEDS something. Needs. I know! More Linebacker. That's it. 300-lb Linebacker is the new pointy shoe!" Please avoid this fashion. It bulks up your upper body, the sleeves will get in everything, and you look like you're about to take off like Icarus with his father's hand-made wings. It's ridiculous. Avoid.

Cropped Pants with Boots Would someone PLEASE explain this to me? I don't understand at all how this fashion took off. I'm willing to debate whether or not it could be flattering, but it LOOKS silly. I choke back a laugh every time I see someone wearing them. Here we have a perfectly GOOD pair of pants, beautifully tailored. What's missing? Only the bottom foot and a half. I imagine they're not good for snowy climates either. I've lived in the Midwest; I know what icy wind on legs feels like. Has this trend worked miracles for anyone? Please feel free to speak up.

Puffed Sleeves Forget what Anne Shirley said. Puffed sleeves are a more feminine yet equally virilent form of Linebacker Chic. They look cute, but in practice they're a nightmare. Look, they even make the model look bigger. Think what they would do to someone who actually eats every now and then. Just back away.

It seems that even my favorite store, Ann Taylor Loft, has fallen prey to these trends. I've also been to J. Jill (too expensive and too mature for me), Forth and Towne, Ann Taylor (not the Loft), and Macy's...where have you guys had luck this year?