Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Dear Mischa,

First of all, your name is dumb. Meesha? Miska? Mscha? Messa Messaround Mischa. Whatever. This isn't about your name. It's about the things you wear. I won't call them clothes; that would be insulting to real clothing everywhere.
I really dislike your fashion sense. Actually, I hate it with the burning of a thousand fiery suns of wrath.

Behold, dear readers, the face of slobby fashion mediocrity. I blame this girl personally (along with Sienna Miller, may the nanny strike again twice as hard) for RUINING the face of fashion. Thanks to these 'trendsetters', we're forced to endure utter ugliness in the stores. Apparently designers think that if the trusting public sees some washed-up small screen star sporting clothes that look like they were dragged from a Goodwill dumpster, the little drones will want to wear them too. Dumpster is, like, so NOW. So is slouching and not brushing your hair too, apparently. What a charming example of ladylike behavior for all the kids watching at home.

Getting back to her name, I have to wonder if she's in any way related to the ever-classy Clara Barton, the founder of the American Red Cross. Barton is quite the name to live up to. It conveys the sense of a public servant, one who puts the benefits of others before her own. At the rate Mischa's going she's going to have to adopt a whole country of diseased orphans in order to keep up with her ancestor/namesake. I'm sure Clara would not be pleased with her progress, not for a tiny second. Note to Ms. Barton the Younger: being a setter of disgusting trends does not equal public servitude.

The thing that galls me the most about this broad is that she only starred on the OC. For a few seasons. And then she got killed off. Has she been in ANY blockbusters before or since then? No. And don't tell me about all the Sundance movies she's done, I know how to check IMDB, I did check it, and she starred in virtually nothing of merit besides Notting Hill and the really laughable part is that I TOTALLY SAW NOTTING HILL and I can't even remember what she played in it.

Has she done anything to merit public attention besides dating a Crisco can and dressing like a total loser? No and NO. Oh, I forgot the part where she poses for Bebe, but she looks halfway decent in those pictures because she showed up to the photo shoot and someone ambushed her and MADE her wear clothes that were less than 20 years old.

So why do we keep getting her mousy hair and very vanilla mug (it IS vanilla; she manages to look different BECAUSE of the way she dresses, but trust me, she is two implants and a highlight job away from looking like EVERYONE ELSE down in LaLaLand) shoved in our faces all the freaking time? Why are we constantly being programmed (unsuccessfully, I might add) to believe that she is all that and a bag of chips and how original and what a funky offbeat style she has and don't YOU want to wear clothes that look like a homeless tramp left them at his last abandoned house?

No, Mischa, we don't want to look like you. We don't care what Vogue or Vanity Fair or any of those other haughty fashion house mags say about you; they're completely out of touch with the public anyway. In closing, please go away, or at least stop dressing like you can't afford anything more expensive than Big Lots, because you TOTALLY CAN.

PS-I was going to contrast this mess of a child with the ever-classy Kate Winslet, who always ALWAYS looks beautiful, but then I toddled over to GFY and what did I see today but a loving tribute to that excellent female? So rest your eyes, dear readers, and go read about a woman who has it going on.

PPSS. Before you all tell me how mean I am to snark Mischa, let me just say that this is totally not personal. This is about setting an example, people. I've seen her dress nicely...but this is not one of those times! She could be cute...if she'd stop dumpster diving.