Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Stop twitching, I'm back.

I've been keeping up on the comment section, but I've not had time to respond. A lot is changing with us. First of all, we both have, I don't know, lives or something, and real lives (not the ones we enact on our computers, you know, the ones with touch and smell and all that) have sort of been taking over.

But I've missed you all! However, I hate to do anything half-arssed, which is why I've stayed away. I can't guarantee daily posts anymore. I'm pretty much on my own now. But I'll do what I can.

So, lovelies, without further ado, my opinions on the Oscar fashion:

Uma Thurman. Is. Beautiful. While this dress is something of a friendly tribute to the recent Olympics figure skating, Uma could probably show up in a black garbage bag and manage to look beautiful.

The best way to garner attention if your movie is unlikely to win at the Oscars (due to the collective yawn when it was released) is a sartorial disaster. Outdated color? Check. Bow that looks ready to devour her matronly beehive-style coif? Check. Overly stiff fabric? Check. Strange strips across the hips to hide...her hotness? Check.

PSA to all Senior Desperate Housewives: Start eating. Now.
This dress along with its cornea-searing wearer has to be the most unattractive thing I've ever witnessed. What is it with the Desperate Housewives suddenly pretending they have boobs? LOOK. You can either be 97 pounds, or you can have boobs. You can rarely have both, mmkay? There is no reason to subject us all to the horrors of your Auschwitz-style clavicle. Not sexy. Not sexy at all.

There's J Lo and that cadaver she keeps dragging around. J Lo firmly believes that smiling EVER expired when her fifteen minutes did. The Oscars can be like the holidays: For some they're a time of joy, of exhilaration, and of twinkly dreams coming true. For others, they're just a reminder of all they don't have--like talent or movies that made more than $10.

Salma Hayek is another one of those fortunate few who could wear just about anything and still receive the favor of the Shining Intellects. However, I can't ignore the fact that her dress doesn't really cover her, ahem, ample womanhood. It's the Oscars honey. Surely you could have afforded a few extra inches of silk around the top?

Ah, Dolly Parton. She's so cute and girly. I really appreciate that about her. Perhaps that fifth breast job wasn't such a hot idea, but she seems like the type of gal who would always tell you to put on your lycra and sit up straight. There's something about this dress though--what does it remind me of? Oh, I know--the pink lacy JC Penney bed and canopy I wanted when I was about eight. Maybe she borrowed the canopy from her granddaughter! If I can look this great when I'm her age (50? 60? A lady never tells), I'll die happy.

Everyone's talking about Kiera Knightly. Why did she get nominated for Best Actress? I saw Pride and Prejudice, and I like Kiera, but come ON people. She wasn't all that great. Why didn't Zhang Ziyi get nominated? She was far more deserving. But where was I? Oh, this dress! Kiera's favorite movie is The Little Mermaid. Her dream is to play Ursula.

Michelle honey, you did it again. What is it with you and funky colors? Maybe you were trying to get more mileage out of Cousin Laurie's bridesmaid dress. That's really what this looks like--a fall bridesmaid dress. It's so ugly I don't even know what to say about it. That, my dear, is saying something. Love the hair and makeup though!

Another deserving actress ignored by the highbrow Academy. This is a beautiful color, and it adds some shape to Naomi's very boyish and angular figure. Do not attempt if you weigh more than 95 pounds and have any curves at all.