Thursday, October 27, 2005

Stars in Desperate Need of Fashion Intervention

A lot of people think that if you can afford a stylist, a makeup guy, a hair guy, and all these people to primp and coif you, you would look like a movie star. However, some movie stars are not using their resources to look their best. Some of them, in fact, look downright awful, and I'm going to out them, because they don't deserve to be on the red carpet while I'm stuck at home with Ben and Jerry.

1. Shooter Jennings. One of our readers mentioned in a recent post about Drea DiMatteo, and I cringed at the thought of this long-haired creepy fellow. You have to wonder why a woman as beautiful as Drea ended up with a guy like Shooter. I mean, look at him. The long hair wouldn't be such a problem if it was well-manicured, or at least clean. Those tinted aviator glasses are about forty years too late. This guy must have a really stellar personality if Drea's dating him. But then again, look at his shirt. I think that says it all. The thing that truly gets me annoyed, though, is the wristband. Why on earth did that become trendy? The worst part is, it hasn't died yet, so we're stuck looking at it until people get wise again. I even tried one on, just to see what all the fuss was about, and I just don't understand the appeal. It also felt rather uncomfortable on my wrist. Altogether, Shooter needs some serious fashion help. A haircut, a bath and some nice clothes would go a long way.

2. Selma Blair. I love Selma, but someone needs to take her aside and say, "Selma, what are you doing, here? Are you trying to look bad?" Unless she already knows she looks like a freak, in which case I guess that won't help. There are times when Selma looks absolutely wonderful, but I can't tell you how many times I've seen Selma on one of E!'s lists - in a bad way. My chief complaints here of course include the dress. It's like a toga, but turquoise, and the fabric just hangs off of her pathetically skinny body. You can count her ribs through her back, and aside from being unhealthy, it's gross. Not to mention that the dress is almost so low that you can see her crack, and as we've mentioned before, crack kills. Her hair looks like she just ran a comb through it and went out right afterward, and don't even get me started on her makeup. You're supposed to look natural, but she looks like Casper's sister in this picture. Maybe it's the lighting, but any fashionista will tell you that if you're going under bright lights, you need to wear extra so you don't get washed out. And being so pale with nearly no lip color? She just looks like a walking corpse. Let this be a lesson for when you get a professional photo done, ladies. Gloss is your best friend.

3. Adam Duritz. Here's another situation where a hot girl (Courtney Cox) ended up with a completely unattractive man. Fortunately for her, she moved on to - David Arquette. Oh well, you can't win them all, Courtney. Adam wouldn't be so bad if he didn't have those dread locks, which do not look good on any white man. The facial hair's not so bad, but the suit is really what takes the cake. I appreciate how the shirt and tie go together, but when you add the electric blue suit on top of it, it's entirely too much brightness in one outfit. If he wore that shirt and tie with a black suit, it might have then gone over better, but the shirt is a little too amazing-technicolor to really get a pass. So then, as if that weren't bad enough, he adds the vest under the jacket and the pimp cane, completing this train wreck of a red-carpet outfit. Oh, and the purple lapel flower, just for a little extra color. This is wrong on so many levels. Look at the people in the background of the photo - he's got some starers. Do you really blame them? Nonetheless, I don't think Adam has ever really been a fashion maven, anyway. I seem to recall him falling victim to the grunge look back in the 90s.

4. Diane Keaton. This woman tries to look like a man each and every time she steps on the red carpet. Think about it - have you ever seen her in a dress? Or even something that wasn't obviously a man's suit? As if that wasn't bad enough, the round glasses and bowler make her look positively anachronistic. The leather gloves are what really get me - it makes it seem as if she just doesn't want to touch anything, for fear of the germs. I remember the first time she stepped out looking like this. Every one thought, how revolutionary! How daring to wear such an outfit, caring less about convention and more about personal style! That's great, but do it once and be done with it. Look at the girl behind her, to the left. Even she's saying, "What, this again?" I know you can afford more clothes than just that, Diane. Time to spend a little cash and just get a nice dress. You have aged terribly well. I can only imagine the reactions if you came out in a truly lovely ensemble. They would rave about you! Now stop denying us the privelage and get a dress.