Wednesday, September 07, 2005

A letter to Kelly Osbourne, the Sullen Middle Child of Music

Dear Kelly,

We've seen your most recent music video, but we're not here to talk about your music. Actually, darling, we're here to talk about YOU.

We understand that you've been in rehab, not for drugs, but for an eating disorder. Our policy at Las F is to encourage eating. It's a good idea for everyone from the tiniest of babies to the famousest of celebrities. So, darling, we feel your pain and encourage you to get better soon.

But Kelly, really, let's talk.

While you usually skulk around in some really awful getups, and it looks like you wear a skunk on your head most days (stripes are optional, and tend to come and go), we think you're a really, truly pretty girl. Your skin is poreless, and thank GOD you've not succumbed to the tanorexic craze that dominates Hollywood. You KNOW how we feel about that. We love your sweet chubby cheeks. They reveal you as the nice girl you are screaming to be underneath all the goth posing. We love that you have your own style. We love your red lips.

But we do wish that 'unique style' didn't consist of covering up your face with pink skunky hair or weird highlights. I know, I know, you're trying to make a statement about your uniqueness. But isn't pink hair, well, a little pink?

Now, in this picture here, you look lovely. Obviously you took a break from your usual stylist--you know,
the one who insists you look better with half your face covered in thick black hair-but that's another discussion for another time. We KNOW black isn't your real color. The stylist who did this shot must be a very nice person. S/he capitalized on all your best features.

We even love you in this picture because you had the guts to pose next to Nichole Richie, the Queen of the Lollipops. She ought to take a lesson or two from you, hon. We dig the hot red lips (even though they're pursed as if you're holding back naughty words) and we dig the retro dress (even though white is the new fat). Trust us, though, even with those impediments, you're WAY hotter than her--just lose the skunky hair.

SEEEEEEEEE? Isn't that better? You can totally do blonde. You're a doll. We love you.

Smile honey! It takes less muscles than frowning.