Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Leopard: The New Black, or still Ack?

Being the astute beings we are, dear readers, we at Las F never lose a chance to make observations based on things we've seen in real life. You can imagine that we took pages of furious notes during the entirety of the much-anticipated VMAs. We still have writer's cramp from all the note-taking!

We like to observe and comment. We feel it saves you the trouble. It's the least our shining intellects can do to benefit this poor world.

Now pay attention, boys and girls. This is Gwen Stefani. Hollaback Girl jokes aside (oh, how the musically mighty have fallen!), we love this dress. And we even love Gwen in it. She is the queen of cool. Or hot, seeing as the leopard is a jungle cat, after all. We'll forgive her the blindingly blonde locks and the oddly-placed white collar, because she is Just. That. Hot. She looks fabulous.

We'll take this moment to remind our readers of our earlier stance that eating is good for everyone, from the tiniest of babies to the famousest of celebrities. Gwen Stefani is obviously a good little eater. We at Las F endorse eating. We also endorse healthy living and avoidance of fashion faux pas at all costs. Gwen has a very healthy right arm. She's been working out. We approve of this.

In closing, this look works for Gwen. We have to take points away for the collar, but she still gets 4.5 very golden stars in our book. Well done!

Moving along, we have--Goldie Hawn?

Oh no, it's just another teenager trying to look like a 40-year-old.

In case you couldn't tell because of her glazed-eye glacial glare, that's Lindsay Lohan, who was apparently drugged before being rudely stuffed into this atrocity of fashion. Who comes up with this?

Lindsay, sweetie, I don't know who helped you dress for the VMAs. Was it a family member to whom you were indebted for some untold reason? Was it a stylist named Franz who attacked you on the street and insisted that leopard is the new black? Was it a bling-crazy fiend who insisted that, perhaps, GOLD is the new black? Whoever it was, Lindsay, you should fire them promptly. You get 1/2 of a star for your lovely locks, but I'm afraid that's all the Shining Intellects can grant you, because we have big problems with this look.

Where are your lips? Did they disappear?
We at Las F are just wondering how many times we're going to have to explain to you kids that LIPSTICK IS GOOD. We at Las F want to make it very clear that WE ADVOCATE COLOR. Wear it on your cheeks, wear it on your lips. Just WEAR it, for the love of God.

Lindsay, you have decades ahead of you to look like a cougar. Years of disillusionment will come. Trust us. 18, however, is bad time to start aping a 40-year-old, leather-skinned has-been man-eater. Stop. Stop right now.

I hate to say this, Lindz (Can I call you Lindz?), but you are not, and never will be, Gwen Stefani. Gwen looks good even with fruit and flowers festooned throughout her coif. By pulling off THAT look, she's essentially declared herself above the laws of the Shining Intellects. She can do whatever she wants. We'll roast her as necessary.

You, however, cannot do whatever you want, and all the spoiled "leave me alone I'm independent" teenager songs in the world won't change our minds. The Shining Intellects have spoken! Let it be as the laws of the Medes and Persians! No more leopard for Lindsay!