Monday, August 22, 2005

The Concave Loveliness that is Nicole Richie

Nicole, sweetie, I know that you must be famous for something. I think it's mostly that you used to be friends with that girl Paris, right? And now you're not even speaking to her, darling. I do love a good intrigue, we'll simply HAVE to chat about it sometime. You're engaged, too! That's hot. Your ring is lovely. But darling, I have to tell you: that whole "oh-I-have-to-work-out-I-just-ate-a-Lifesaver" look really isn't working for you.

It's a funny thing about fans: they tend to like you more when you weigh a little more. (If you need proof of this fact, see Lohan, Lindsey. Everyone liked her way better when she was fresh, young, and dewy, instead of bleached, pinched, dieted, and shrink-wrapped into size C for Crack Addict.)

Your oversized bag, limp locks, and lack of color are also doing you no favors. What's in that bag-an portable liposuction machine, in case of requisite atonement for that oh-so-sinful sip of diet soda?

If you had been looking slightly more, ahem, curvaceous in that lovely silk tank, this picture would have never ended up on this website. You know how ridiculous I am about not posting anything that anybody might consider 'revealing'. But, as you see, I posted this picture, despite your dangerously low silk tank, because THERE'S NOTHING THERE TO REVEAL.

And Nichole, that's not hot at all.